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January 25th, 2008
06:38 pm The man swings, suspended from chains from the ceiling of the White Room. Delve sighs happily, staring at his newest acquisition. His new friend told him all about this place, and he was very much enjoying his first visit. No windows, no doors, just white walls, white ceiling, shelves, and hooks... and everything else you might need. Delve doesn't understand quite how the White Room works, but he doesn't need to understand. All he knows is that it is perfect for his play today.
The man shivers. He is nude, his sleek hairless skin offering a matte sheen under the diffuse ivory light of the playroom. Delve's canine jaws split into a ragged grin. The killer leans forward, extending a clawed hand to caress his prey's naked genitals. They hang limp and unaroused, of course, shrivelled against his body, reflecting their owner's terror. The human whimpers, trying to cringe away from the strange beast-man who looks to have as much wolf and coyote blood as he does dog, but the chains, interwoven with leather strips in black, white, and red, allow only a small amount of motion. Just enough to please Delve's acute sense of textural aesthetics.
The man is blindfolded. He has no idea what is going on, who has him, or what is coming. All he knows is that his day started normally, raping a fifteen-year-old prostitute before a breakfast of stones. And then, as he was walking his bitch out the door to take her to work, someone had hit him from behind. Before he could reach his piece, something sharp pierced his neck, and darkness claimed his will to retaliate.
And he had awoken in darkness, suspended midair vertically by his arms, tethered from the bottom about his ankles, so tightly he is unable to do little more than swing a bit. Blindfolded, gagged, he struggles to make some kind of sound, to demand information, make indignant mouth noises, but all he manages is a kind of small, piteous mumbling.
Delve's hungry grin broadens, and he allows his short but filed-sharp dog's claws to draw short, shallow cuts in the man's testicles, just deep enough to bleed... one, two, three apiece. Then he drags his talons out to the man's thighs, digging deeper as he goes, until he's flexing his knuckles to rake the man's inner thighs as deep as he can as they drag down to the knees.
An anguished howl against the gag. Blood begins to gout from a severed artery. Delve leans forward, lapping up the hot blood, hissing in glee as it flows over his tongue and down his throat. Aware by the taste that he has severed an artery and must work quickly, Delve lunges for the bastard's genitals, crushing them between his bone-breaking molars, then rips his way upward, literally climbing the man's body with teeth and claws, ripping upward in seconds to get to the man's throat and chest.
He goes wild, tearing, ripping, gulping, slashing, until the whole area is in ruins, fixing his jaws around a collarbone and ripping it away even as one hand tears past the voicebox and rips the trachea and esophagus into spaghetti and the other hand struggles for purchase on the sternum. Ripping the obnoxious bone away, Delve rips into the sweet muscle with his teeth while the hot blood still pumps, before the body heat trails away, and when the guts spill with an indignant plop, the killer forces his small body into the cavity as much as he can, immersing himself in the gore as he rips and swallows, devouring.
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January 11th, 2008
06:22 pm Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Been so busy and simultaneously ill, don't have the energy to maintain more than one blog, I guess, even to copy-paste redundancies.
I wish there were some way to cross-stream one's blogs automatically.
Does anyone here have an LJ they use, even marginally?
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October 25th, 2007
01:52 am ( Networking )
I saw the morning come, I saw the empty dawning of the first morn of death. How bitter a day that started this way, when the red light turned to green and the first breath ended in a rattling gasp. Sometimes the ender regrets his work, sometimes he makes mistakes. Sometimes he feels guilty. But still he cannot stop. He does not know anything else, any other way. I took him, I took him, and her, and him ... All belong to me now, pictures on a wall, trophies on my belt. But what does it really mean to a forest of tombstones and a society of bones? What does it mean to the carrion crow and the blinding light of grief? If only the rains would come and wash the blood away. It has dried and turned cold, and sticky. It clings, and reminds him of old mistakes, old things he wishes he could have controlled and could never have. Isn't that a shame? The reaper considers his ages, and counts the days to retirement, hoping that someday he will look up and see that someone, finally, has come for him. And he will be able to walk to the green, and listen to the fiddler, the fiddler whose concert tickets he always gives to his own. So will you take his hand, and let him take your pain away? One life's meaning satisfied paid for in the ending of pain, the touch of Morpheus upon their pale brows. And what do they care what happens to their flesh once all connection to it ceases? What do they care what the persistence of flesh is to their slayer? Come and lie in the rain, let it wash the lamb's wool from your fur. Your feet are torn and ragged, your blade is dulled, your teeth ache. Time enough for ending, time now to contemplate what could have been if only there had been room for change.
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October 21st, 2007
07:37 am I haven't posted here in a while, I know. I've been ill, but it's also because I got sucked into doing a lot of writing over on LJ ... mostly automatic/free writing. I do a hell of a lot of that.
http://www.fanlib.com/submission/share.do?submissionId=2s85s9
Or, for people who can't stand FanLib, here's all the free-writing I've done on LJ that hasn't been posted here yet. Be warned, there's a LOT of it.
( inner space )
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September 29th, 2007
06:39 pm 1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me. 2. Run a Google image search on that word. 3. Reply to this entry and post one of the pictures from your search, but don't tell me what the word was. 4. Put this in your journal and I'll reply with one for you.
No matter how awkward, go with it.
Another Meme:
Comment on this post. I will choose seven interests from you profile and you will explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so others can play along. Current Music: Necro - Gory Days
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September 27th, 2007
September 13th, 2007
07:01 pm It's a quiet time. But I'm not fooled this time. It'll be back. I don't know why it does this ... submerges, goes into hiding, goes quiet. But it does sometimes. Sometimes for so long that I wonder what the problem ever was. Forget what it felt like.
Then it comes screaming back and I can't remember what being without it is like.
I'm so tired.
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August 31st, 2007
08:18 am So I remembered today that I used to bash my head against the wall. For years that's what I did when I was feeling really angry at myself or wanting to die but not sure how ... I'd bash my head against the wall as hard as I could, or even run and jump at the wall headfirst.
I haven't done it for a while, but I did it most during my early to mid teenage years.
I don't remember why I stopped, or why I forgot. I remembered because something in a book reminded me of it.
Most of the abuse, as I recall, was focused on a particular part of my head.
Frontal lobe damage makes all kinds of sense. But ...
How would I go about getting this looked into? I'd at least like to be certain about how exactly I'm broken if I can't fix it.
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August 19th, 2007
06:50 pm Dale, my teacher, did the outline of my first tattoo today. When filled in, it will be the Zodiac symbol on my upper right arm. Stupid cellphone taking crappy pictures. When we fill in the black we're also going to fix the little imperfections.

It's to remind me what to do, and what not to do.
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August 18th, 2007
02:41 pm Anyone willing to critique stories for me, even if they're bloody ones?
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August 15th, 2007
10:31 pm I have been very antsy the last few days. It's been very difficult to resist acting out. I'm about to play out the most taunting, tempting, frustrating impulse (it's not really a fantasy -- you get to pick the content of your fantasies, and stop thinking about them when you're done) with someone, but somehow I don't feel like it's going to help. Then again it's been a while since I was on Shang ... maybe that's part of the problem? But then again it was getting to where each scene wasn't nearly as good as they used to be, so I dropped out for a bit. But it's been at least a couple of weeks. It's been a while since I played something out. Damn. Maybe I should ...
I wish there were some kind of help for me. But even if there were, no one who's able to is interested.
Do I have to kill someone to get their attention?
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August 6th, 2007
01:31 am
I'm doin you a favor as I'm takin all your money I guess I should feel sorry, but *I* don't even trust me There's bad news creeping up Do ya feel a sudden chill? How do ya do? My name is Trouble, and I'm comin' in for the kill And you know I will!
Set the ball a'rollin I'll be clickin' off the miles On my train of consequences, my boxcar life o'style My thinking is derailed I've been tied up to the tracks This train of consequences There ain't no turnin' back!
But it's going to be worth it, so, so, SO worth it. I only wish it could go as far as both of us want.
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August 3rd, 2007
09:31 pm The family's finally got a little money. Not a huge amount but enough to get a few things. The older kratom tree came this morning and it's magnificent. I just now registered zMud so I can access Shang (and all the other MU*s, of course :p) and I'm working on another fair-sized Maya order. I have enough for me to graze on fresh kratom but I still have ... clients, I guess I should call them, who take it powdered and capped. So I need more powdered kratom, more 00 capsules, more Acorus calamus, and I want to try Turkish mint, wild lettuce, and a few other herbs. Ever in search of gnosis and just the right plant.
The OCD thing is now an official diagnosis. I don't really know what to do, say, or think about that, except I guess it's sort of reassuring to know that my self-perception isn't entirely inaccurate. Though, I suppose it must be worse than I think. I told Dr. Altman I thought I needed to be tested for OCD and she said testing would be redundant. I clearly manifest key diagnostic criteria.
So ... that's OCD, ADD, GAD, SAD, chronic recurrent major depressive episodes with psychotic features, dissociative traits, antisocial traits, schizotypal traits. Did someone kick Nancy in the stomach while she was pregnant or something?
On the other hand it's not all bad. I'm down to $850 left owing on my puppy. I'm sending $250 tomorrow or the next day, which will make it $600. I hope to be able to send $400 again, but I probably won't be able to unless I just sit on checks and let the money pile up, which I don't intend to do. I'm pulling on the rope rather than clinging. Trying to improve. I've even lost some weight, though I don't know if it's a real loss or superficial. we'll see.
I can't wait for the kratom to start doing its thing.
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July 11th, 2007
03:29 am - from LJ yesterday That turned out to be a good idea after all.
I drove 180 miles and feel better for it even though it was fucking exhausting. I got to see-breathe-touch the CA Sierras. I-80 between Reno and Sacto is just fucking gorgeous. Wonderful, wonderful stretch of road ...
And I discovered a way to, at least now and again, generate money and MSContin by the fuck-ton. I am DROWNING in dope, to the point I've actually been taking cautious shots at walking the gray. I miss my secret place. I'm going back tonight, soon, soon, just as soon as ... I work up the nerve, I suppose. This will be an incredible amount of dope to ingest. I don't know if I should. The risk isn't death now, it's withdrawal later.
Oh, fuck. I know what choice I'll make. It's always the same one anyway.
But, frankly, given where I've been, it's a welcome change to be arguing with myself about dope and not about another primal need.
Whenever that comes up, I either head to Shang or the outdoor firepit and set some green wood and pinecones afire.
Fire is a good enough substitute for blood, and the intercourse of minds is good enough to replace the intercourse of talons and flesh. For now, anyway. Until Poinsetta makes a wrong move. And then he is mine. I've decided, no matter what other direction I take, he's going down. He's a ruiner, pure and simple. I've seen it with my own eyes. I've seen the damage he's done with my own eyes. So I'll ruin him.
All in its own time, though. That's a long way away. If he's lucky, he'll rush his white-trash Truckee ass into the grave with his whores or his booze or his stupid arrogance before I get to him.
Okay, I'm getting angry. Definitely time to dose.
And to Shang. To Shang, savior of my mind, and thereby my spirit.
I was titled Healer today. The only way that counts -- in practice. I wish I felt guilty that I'm doing all this healing to balance out the death I know I'll be responsible for later. But I don't.
Oh well.
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July 4th, 2007
12:29 am My biological grandfather is dying.
My birthmother has decided she wants my brother and I to be there 'for her'.
We've never even met her before, at least not as sentient beings. He doesn't even know Adam was even born.
I don't really want to go. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it. But I don't really want to be involved. I don't know ... I'm confused.
Really interested in the Zodiac killer.
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June 23rd, 2007
02:35 am - Prompt Tables for 30_Somethings Paradise City:
NIGHTS: 7/30
| 01. blind | 02. ebony | 03. escape | 04. flicker | 05. flower |
| 06. forest | 07. fountain | 08. garden | 09. goodbye | 10. grave |
| 11. howling | 12. lamp | 13. lonely | 14. mirror | 15. moonlight |
| 16. moth | 17. river | 18. shiver | 19. skin | 20. sleepwalking |
| 21. shadowy | 22. stars | 23. strangers | 24. torch | 25. thought |
| 26. trap | 27. vampire | 28. winged | 29. window | 30. wraith |
THRILLERS: 2/30
| 01. attic | 02.blood | 03. cat | 04. chain | 05. creak |
| 06. doorway | 07. dusty | 08. enigma | 09. fingerprints | 10. gun |
| 11. headlights | 12. howl | 13. impression | 14. key | 15. letter |
| 16. lightning | 17. lipstick | 18. lock | 19. madness | 20. phone |
| 21. rope | 22.scream | 23. scythe | 24. shadow | 25. sliver |
| 26. spy | 27. thread | 28. werewolf | 29. wind | 30. vision |
JUDGMENT:
| 01. Non-Phixion - Black Helicopters |
| 02. New Model Army - The Hunt |
| 03. Skyclad - Catherine At the Wheel |
| 04. Megadeth - The Scorpion |
| 05. New Model Army - Shot 18 |
| 06. White Zombie - More Human Than Human |
| 07. Rob Zombie - The Devil's Rejects |
| 08. System of a Down - Cigaro |
| 09. Coven - All This Bleeding |
| 10. Agent Orange - Bloodstains |
| 11. Megadeth - Ashes in Your Mouth |
| 12. Iron Maiden - Killers |
| 13. Agent Orange - Seek and Destroy |
| 14. Alice Cooper - Go To Hell |
| 15. Anthrax - Startin' Up a Posse |
| 16. Coil - Slur |
| 17. Days of the New - Touch, Peel, and Stand |
| 18. Death Angel - The Ultra-Violence |
| 19. Dio - Evilution |
| 20. Iced Earth - Disciples of the Lie |
| 21. Insane Clown Posse - Piggy Pie |
| 22. Iron Maiden - Be Quick or Be Dead |
| 23. Front Line Assembly - Machine Slave |
| 24. Voltaire - Ex-Lover's Lover |
| 25. System of a Down - Revenga |
| 26. New Model Army - The Charge |
| 27. Bruce Dickinson - Freak |
| 28. Slash's Snakepit - Serial Killer/Mean Bone |
| 29. Insane Clown Posse - Pendulum's Promise/The Killing Fields |
| 30. Accept - Head Over Heels/Princess of the Dawn |
Werewolf: The Apocalypse
NIGHTS:
| 01. blind | 02. ebony | 03. escape | 04. flicker | 05. flower |
| 06. forest | 07. fountain | 08. garden | 09. goodbye | 10. grave |
| 11. howling | 12. lamp | 13. lonely | 14. mirror | 15. moonlight |
| 16. moth | 17. river | 18. shiver | 19. skin | 20. sleepwalking |
| 21. shadowy | 22. stars | 23. strangers | 24. torch | 25. thought |
| 26. trap | 27. vampire | 28. winged | 29. window | 30. wraith |
THRILLERS:
| 01. attic | 02. blood | 03. cat | 04. chain | 05. creak |
| 06. doorway | 07. dusty | 08. enigma | 09. fingerprints | 10. gun |
| 11. headlights | 12. howl | 13. impression | 14. key | 15. letter |
| 16. lightning | 17. lipstick | 18. lock | 19. madness | 20. phone |
| 21. rope | 22. scream | 23. scythe | 24. shadow | 25. sliver |
| 26. spy | 27. thread | 28. werewolf | 29. wind | 30. vision |
MOMENTS:
| 01. after | 02. anger | 03. autumn | 04. before | 05. birthday |
| 06. confession | 07. crowded | 08. date | 09. dawn | 10. exposed |
| 11. first | 12. flashback | 13. flying | 14. funeral | 15. later |
| 16. news | 17. next | 18. now | 19. over | 20. peace |
| 21. rebirth | 22. respite | 23. solitude | 24. soon | 25. spring |
| 26. stress | 27. summer | 28. then | 29. twilight | 30. winter |
JUDGMENT:
| 01. Non-Phixion - Black Helicopters |
| 02. New Model Army - The Hunt |
| 03. Skyclad - Catherine At the Wheel |
| 04. Megadeth - The Scorpion |
| 05. New Model Army - Shot 18 |
| 06. White Zombie - More Human Than Human |
| 07. Rob Zombie - The Devil's Rejects |
| 08. System of a Down - Cigaro |
| 09. Coven - All This Bleeding |
| 10. Agent Orange - Bloodstains |
| 11. Megadeth - Ashes in Your Mouth |
| 12. Iron Maiden - Killers |
| 13. Agent Orange - Seek and Destroy |
| 14. Alice Cooper - Go To Hell |
| 15. Anthrax - Startin' Up a Posse |
| 16. Coil - Slur |
| 17. Days of the New - Touch, Peel, and Stand |
| 18. Death Angel - The Ultra-Violence |
| 19. Dio - Evilution |
| 20. Iced Earth - Disciples of the Lie |
| 21. Insane Clown Posse - Piggy Pie |
| 22. Iron Maiden - Be Quick or Be Dead |
| 23. Front Line Assembly - Machine Slave |
| 24. Voltaire - Ex-Lover's Lover |
| 25. System of a Down - Revenga |
| 26. New Model Army - The Charge |
| 27. Bruce Dickinson - Freak |
| 28. Slash's Snakepit - Serial Killer/Mean Bone |
| 29. Insane Clown Posse - Pendulum's Promise/The Killing Fields |
| 30. Accept - Head Over Heels/Princess of the Dawn |
Both:
GENERAL:
| 01. air | 02. beginnings | 03. curiosity | 04. dream | 05. earth |
| 06. endings | 07. family | 08. familiar | 09. fear | 10. fire |
| 11. friends | 12. garden | 13. hope | 14. instinct | 15. moon |
| 16. new | 17. old | 18. running | 19. scent | 20. sky |
| 21. smell | 22. sound | 23. strange | 24. sun | 25. taste |
| 26. time | 27. touch | 28. trust | 29. truth | 30. water |
CRIMES: 1/30
| 01. abduction | 02. adultery | 03. arson | 04. assault | 05. battery |
| 06. blackmail | 07. conspiracy | 08. counterfeiting | 09. espionage | 10. extortion |
| 11. forgery | 12. fraud | 13. hate | 14. identity theft | 15. incest |
| 16. insanity | 17. murder | 18. organised crime | 19. passion | 20. piracy |
| 21. possession | 22. self-defence | 23. smuggling | 24. stalking | 25. theft |
| 26. terrorism | 27. treason | 28.trespass | 29. vandalism | 30. war |
ANGSTS: 1/30
| 01. alone | 02. away | 03. black | 04. broken | 05. dream |
| 06. fallen | 07. fire | 08. flower | 09. forget | 10. grave |
| 11. grey/silver | 12. kiss | 13. mermaid | 14. mist/fog | 15. nightmare |
| 16. rain | 17. red | 18. reflection | 19. remember | 20. scar |
| 21. secret | 22. silence | 23. snow | 24. story | 25. tear |
| 26. thorn | 27.together | 28. touch | 29. veil | 30. white |
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June 22nd, 2007
12:14 pm Fuck you, tolerance.
Fuck you, America.
Fuck you, FDA.
Fuck you, DEA.
Fuck you, mu-receptors.
I want to go I need to go but no matter what I can't find my way back my brain is too ravenous it's cut the rope
out in the sun out in the wind I'm nearly ready now to go back again take me back to the white light take me back to the white light take me back to the white light take me back to the white light
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11:34 am I find myself really, really missing speed.
exit the stargate initial perception quickens my heartrate this dark place, planet earth, orbits one star come from a far far away state of mind open up your third eye: black helicopters in the sky
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June 17th, 2007
07:34 pm rip shred destroy crush burn
little malicious flashes I want to burn something I want to see blood I'm hungry
eating yourself is plain useless. Goddamnit. And I don't even get to go home tonight. I can hardly dose. It'll be a wonder if I'm not totally wild again by the time I get home. I can't even fucking read Zmud well enough to go on Shang to vent. FUCK
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June 15th, 2007
06:52 pm standing one body crushed in it jaws another hooked on the talons of one hand beneath the ribcage hooked and hanging, dangling another grasped, wiggling snatch more from the pool with my tails as it crunches, crushes, tosses, shakes until the ex-lifeguard fits down its throat toss the hooked one into the air toss one of the tail-caught catch the first in jaws catch the second with claws can't let any get away they've been swimming in bad water the whole herd is poisoned anyway two bolt from the pack the wing comes down glimmering in its tattered shroud their bodies disintegrate beneath the strike hundreds of blades arrayed as mock-feathers a swat as the bite of a century's swords eyes and bones blood and viscera muscle shreds and strips of skin collapse to the ground roaring through a mouthful of bloody flesh wish it were raining ...
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